Not the most cheerful beginning…

So, my idea for this was for me to just generally babble about my own mental health in the hope that at least one person might be able to identify with how I’m feeling. As a sufferer of anxiety and depression I find that some days I just want to get it all out but without being questioned. Don’t get me wrong, I have some amazing friends and so much support from the people around me but now and then it’s just nice to be able to know without any sort of doubt that you’re not being judged for your thoughts.

However, as I haven’t actually posted on this blog yet I’ve found myself taking it in a bit of a different direction. On Tuesday the 17th of February 2015 (4 days prior to posting this) I had a phone call from my Dad telling me that my Mum had passed away unexpectedly…

*boom*

There it was, my world had exploded for the umpteenth time in my considerably short life. He said to me “I’ve got some bad news” and I’m sure that everyone knows what your brain does when someone says that to you;

‘are you joking?’

‘has something happened to the house?’

‘the cats?’

…and I swear it was the longest 5 seconds of my life before I found out, and from then on everything felt so god damn surreal. The past two days have just been a complete mush of emotions; on the Tuesday afternoon I did everything from crying to laughing and shouting to singing.

As everyone does, I posted something on facebook…if anything just to save myself from having to say those words over and over again. Everyone has been incredible and I’ve been inundated with messages and comments but without any pressure for a reply and its made me realise how amazing my friends are. On the other hand, one message got me thinking, it read “Don’t worry Rona, I know how you’re feeling. You’ll be strong through it all.” and at that point I just thought ‘No. No you don’t know how I’m feeling at all.’ Now, this person is around my age and has in fact recently lost his father, something that I feel all the sympathy for in the world, but hell that’s nowhere near the same. For one, I would be dealing with a whole different thing if I had lost my own father because of his ‘role’ in their marriage and in our family. In the same way, I don’t have any idea of how he’s feeling or how the death of his father has affected his family, I never knew him and I don’t have any clue about what kind of relationship they had. Basically, I guess what I’m trying to say is that grief is a completely different experience from one person to another and unless you have experienced it for yourself I think that it would be really hard to comprehend.

Speaking of which, that’s brought me on to something else – grief – I hate that word.
images (26)
1.intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death.

2.trouble or annoyance
Damn you English and your stupid homonyms!
Well, I think I’ll shut up now, enjoy your day and Happy Saturday!
Rona x

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